WTF DO YOU WANT?

I can't lie. I can't rob, cheat or steal. Ever. I thought the solution was to gamble and win it all...but i lost again and I'm tired of propping myself up as a professional gambler when I've never had the money to be one and I've never kept any money that I've won. I have a reason to live beyond gaming. I have a family now.  I don't want to be self righteous but how is it that an entire generation has been conquered by money?  I've never made more than $20k a year. I'm 32 years old. I spent nearly Five years in college studying philosophy and psychology.  I did not graduate for a variety of reasons, but really...should I have had to in order to make a living? Should I have taken classes that didn't interest me? Well I didn't. And here I am. Nearly 8 years after walking out of school and into the street where there is no paper trail and the credit you have is only your word.  I'm in debt...yes. I wish it weren't true but I am. I owe a total of roughly 5k between four different places.  All of this has been incurred during the last year...when I was desperate and manic in order to make money and I borrowed...in order to stay in action and hopefully win.  I didn't win.  I stupidly lost in the hopes of making a sum that wouldn't change anything any way. I don't know what its like to get a regular paycheck.  I was a web guy for an ad agency for nearly a year from 2004-05 and my paycheck was $750 every 2 weeks. My rent at the time was $650 and that was cheap. My bills for that apartment were around $200 a month.  My car payment on my over-priced 2004 p-t cruiser was $256 per month and insurance was an additional $180 a month.  Needless to say I was strapped for cash and the ad agency was in the middle of crumbling...imploding really, so I had no hope of ever making more.  I left there on a Friday afternoon and never looked back.  I practically begged for a job bar tending at a pool hall I used to go to and they wouldn't give me one but i ended up working at their downtown location which was to say the least...a disgusting and overpriced place...filled with alcoholics that according to my TABC licence...I wasn't even allowed to serve.
But i did.  I waited on pool tables for two months as a cocktail waitress(waiter) and even served my ex-girlfriend with one of her many i've got more money than sense guys folllowing her around like a dog.  I smiled  through it all...hoping to get behind the bar and make $200 a night.  I did. and I worked there until the beginning of 2007. During that time i picked up a second job at another poolroom and got a girlfriend who didn't love me yet again.  She ended up stealing a table from me when she moved out.  I always wanted to be something other than I was...which as I near the age that jesus died...is a loser.
I'm a loser.  I've tried so many things and they all just seem to eat at my soul until I become so frustrated that I just quit and walk away...but I have no where to go.  I finally have what I want. A beautiful woman who loves me and a baby that we made together, but I went and fucked off the money that I had trying to be a hero at the beginning of the year. I'm a loser...not because I want to be a loser. I wanted to be a winner. But here I am. Ive got nothing to give you people.  You employers.  You loan officers. You recruiters for armed forces. You land-lords. You college admissions folk. I've got nothing for you.  I love my family and I want to provide for them, but I am confused as to how I am supposed to do that in this country.  Every one of you that I have ever encountered required servitude of me.  I will not be servile to you. and I will not raise my son to be your servant either.  We are at an impasse you and I. I've stopped lying to myself about gaming. I no longer believe that its a viable way to earn an income.  I don't know what the future holds for me but I know I'm not walking away from my family. I have real love to give and I am knowledgeable and forthright.  I've been lied to so many times and decieved on so many levels that it is hard for me to not be beyond cynical.  I have seen the news of late.  people are losing their minds.  Going psychotic. I will never hurt anyone. I will never harm any one that does not mean me harm.  I have more self control than that.  I wish I could have spoken to those dismal souls before they committed their killing sprees.  I would have told them the truth.  You are only going to make things worse for everyone.  I will never be that.  I swear it on the brow of my newborn son. I mean you all no harm...why then must you require us to be so lowly? Why must we wear uniforms and name tags and read customer service manuals? There is a deep and serious problem in the world...and it is not me who perpetuates it.  I am not the one asking for servitude. I do not seek to degrade my fellow man...but instead hope to someday uplift at least a few from this monotonous life.  perhaps i will fail.  as I did as a gambler. I do not wish to fail as a father or a husband, but I already have and I'm barely one month in.  I do not need help.  I need to make a living.  A real living.  I write and draw nearly every day, but there isn't anyone on the planet left who pays a living wage for that sort of thing.  Take a look at my work if you want... L O O K H E R E
I plan on being a better person in the coming year.  i hope to show this in a variety of ways but I wont kneel. I wont kiss your ass.  I wont even get you coffee. get your own fucking coffee.  Fix your own fucking email account.  get your own bottle and drink all you like away from me.  I want to tend to my wife and child (who is at the moment crying) my wife is in the shower. WE fed him. bathed him and have held him tight since the day he was born.  Hes beautiful. and i love him.  Please do not provoke us any further.  we are hurting from being lied to our entire lives and being sold a load of shit about money and jobs and property...all of which are not for us...but for the chosen few...I know this because I'm a loser.  And though I mean you no harm and wish no ill upon you or yours...I hate you.